As of today, it’s been a couple of weeks since you have really heard from on social media. And it’s been longer than that since I made a really meaningful post on social media. And it’s been MONTHS since I have written a blog post. So what has been going on? Where have I been?
The truth is that I have been going through a little bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder. At least that is what I think has been happening. In Iowa we have had a wonderful fall. It has been mild weather with some nice warm days thrown in. The leaves were beautiful. The air was crisp. We could have used more rain. Any rain. We really need some rain. We only had one really cold football Friday night and it wasn’t even that bad. So if we had such great weather, why was I struggling with motivation and feeling like I was stuck in mud?
I think part of it has to do with there being less sunlight both in terms of hours of sunlight a day and the sun being farther away from our part of the Earth at this time of year. When the darkness comes earlier, my brain has been saying, “Welp! Might as well go to bed!” My friends, it was only 6:30pm one of these times. I was seriously shocked when I looked at the clock and thought there was no way it was only that time and that I had at least 3 hours to do something. You can tell the sun is not as close and the sunlight not as intense. Probably time to increase that Vitamin D supplement.
Another big part of the equation is that this is my youngest child’s senior year of high school. She was a football cheerleader and the team took a deep dive into high school cheer competition this year which they haven’t done before. She has been applying for colleges and scholarships which has involved a great deal of essay writing for her. Each week that goes by has held another “last” for her in some way. Some are bigger like the last football game (which happened to be the state championship game) and some are smaller like the last time she will go to early competition cheer practice.
At the same time that she is encountering all of these lasts, my older daughter is in her senior year of college and applying to graduate schools. She was able to finish in three years which threw me off a little because in my view of things I didn’t think I would have two seniors at the same time. This has also involved a lot of essay writing on her part and essay reading on my part. The slightly overwhelming part is thinking toward next year and I have no idea where they will both be. Who am I moving where? And when?
I haven’t been running as much as I would like. Part of it is lack of motivation and part of it is trying to decide if resting my foot with plantar fasciitis is helpful or not. So far it seems like not. Not running does not help my mental state at all.
Throughout all of this I was getting more and more frustrated. I took on a second project with the University of Iowa which is very interesting and involves more computer time which means more sitting. The transmission in my car is going out. Groceries are costing more and finances never seem to work out the way you want them to. I have house organizing projects that I keep procrastinating. I finally had to take a hard look at where I am, what I want, and if I am on a path to get there. If I’m just going to feel frustrated all day every day, then what am I even doing?
My theme for the month is “Remember Why You Started.” I thought is was a good thing to think about when I picked it, but I didn’t really think it through too much until last week. At some point I realized that I’m not doing the things that are going to get me to where I want to be.
I like to write. I’m not writing.
I like to run. I’m not running.
I like to engage with and inspire families. I’m neither engaging or inspiring.
I need to get back to the things that make me who I am and bring me joy. I need to look at ways to engage with families and inspire them to get outdoors, get active, make healthy choices. I need to worry less about what content I have to post on social media.
Coming to this realization and working through how I am going to get to where I want to be has been a relief. I can’t say that the way ahead is crystal clear, but I will find it. It’s like trail running; sometimes you try a trail and realize you love it and it leads to someplace amazing. Other times it brings you to a dead end or loops you back around to where you started. Either way, you learn something.
Peace from The Edge,
Julia
