As many of you know, I sent a “child” off to college about a month ago. Since that time, we have all been adjusting to to not having her here in the house all the time and figuring out our new normal and our new routine. She is adjusting to living away from us, not having a car all the time, college classes…all the things. Her sister who is still at home is adjusting to being the only Krapfl girl at school and at dance. She has never been without her sister leading the way even if it is not always the way that the she wants to go. She now has the bathroom to herself and has one less driver to take her places. Even though they fought sometimes, I know that they had grown very close during COVID and all of things they went through during that time. My husband is adjusting to having only one girl home who isn’t really home because she is much more social and is off with friends or the boyfriend much of the time.
I wouldn’t say that I am struggling, but I am trying to figure a lot of things out. How to transport the 15-year-old when she used to ride with her sister to dance most of the time. How to let go of the one at college and knowing what she is doing pretty much all the time. It’s all very different. I will admit that I am a Mom who is pretty up in her kids’ business. This is because there was a time when there were mental health challenges, and if I wasn’t up in their business, I would have missed something that could have taken a very wrong turn. The only way I knew to deal with that was to talk to them–all the time. Ask questions. Ask about friends and boys and school and dance. Try to read between the lines. Watch their body language and expressions. We made it through that time. But what has that left me with? A helicopter mom who knows she has to let go.
I know that it is no longer my business what the college kid is doing all the time. It’s time for her to grow and learn and explore without Mom asking a hundred questions. She isn’t going to want me knowing every little detail and honestly, I don’t want to. As the past four weeks have ticked by, I can feel myself letting go a little. That is a good thing! She knows I’m still here. She knows I’m still wondering just as much as I always was and that she can tell me anything she wants or needs to. (Just to be clear, I’m not letting up on little sister yet. I’m sure she’s thrilled to hear that.) Someday I will have some good advice and take-aways on how to let go of those college kids, but it is still too new. I’m not sad about her being gone, although I miss not having her physically here. I’m so excited for her and all the the experiences she has ahead of her that she doesn’t even know about. That knowledge and those feelings are what helps me hold back. I know that she is doing what she needs to do, and the only way for her to become who she is meant to be is for her to stay on this path.
To all of you other moms with kids away at college or living without you for the first time–we are doing it! It may not look pretty all of the time. We may overstep our boundaries sometimes. I fully believe that if we step back, look at the situation with new eyes, we will see where our place is. Not beside them. Not right behind them. Just a couple steps back–where we can’t hear their conversation but are only a head turn away waiting for them to need us and offering little pushes where we can. We can still jump up beside them when they want us to.
All of this said, learning to walk those couple steps behind them is a little hard sometimes. I’m learning to do it.
