Back to Writing: September Theme and Turning 50

Oh my gosh, you guys!  I haven’t written anything in a long time! When summer came, things around here got very busy with camps, county fair, a quick trip to Okoboji, and moving our youngest to college.  I had this crazy idea that September would slow down, and while it has in some ways, we had some big things happen that took up my attention.  I have had a lot more feelings about not having kids in the house than I thought I would.  I also had a lot more feelings about turning 50 last week than I thought I was going to have.  I’m not a big birthday person but I did want to get this really long run in.  While I did it, it was not as long as I had hoped due to my being entirely undertrained due to aforementioned summer activities.

So while I am not where I thought I would be in terms of running, I am feeling motivated and like I am moving forward once again.  I had so many ideas of things I wanted to do now that Mackenzie was at college. Too many, in fact, because all that happened was that my brain was swirling for most of the month.  I am trying some new things in term of daily task accomplishment that I hope I can stick with.  If I can, it will make a huge difference in my productivity, the state of my house, my running, and mostly with my motivation and my mind. 

Let’s talk about the theme for this month—You Got This!  (x4)

You Got This is one of my favorite themes, sayings, mantras.  I have had whole years based on these three words. I’ve done miles and miles of running saying this over and over in my head. I knew it would be a good theme for this month as I would be adjusting to the kids being gone full-time, a trial for a guy who tried to get in my daughter’s car (more story later), and turning 50. While none of these things were great, in my opinion, I knew that I could get through them.  What ended up happening was that while I thought I had things handled and nothing was a big deal—it all became a big deal!

• I felt lost without kids in the house. Kids who needed cheer/dance team uniforms washed. Kids who wanted me to go to the barn with them. Kids needing dinner every night. Kids in and out of the house like it has a revolving door. I missed it.  All of it.  Even the difficult parts. I was excited for my girls to be moving on in their lives and doing the things that they should and want to do. I just didn’t realize how dependent on them I was as part of my “Mom Identity.”
• The trial that we thought would last for 2 days took a week.  The worst part was waiting for the verdict.  I had NO idea that there would even be a question of this guy’s guilt.  I thought it was a slam dunk. It was not. Not even close.
• I planned to run 50 miles for 50 years. I was waaaayy undertrained. When I was a kid, people who were 50 were old. They certainly weren’t spending their days in running shorts and trying to figure out how to catch squirrel in the backyard. (To keep as a pet…) How was I supposed to be 50??

So what happened?  All of these things that I thought I had under control were most definitely not under control and all of it had to do with my mind. My theme for 2024 is I Can Make Things Happen and that’s exactly what I did.

• Starting with the trial, I had to get my head wrapped around the fact real quick that this guy might be found not guilty. I knew we still had a shot on him going to prison based on probation violations, but the idea that the jury would “side” with him was just beyond anything I could have imagined. I had about 24 hours of true depression and feeling hopeless and then I got myself together.  What I needed to make happen was acknowledging that not everyone sees things like I do, there was still a chance for this guy to be behind bars, and karma is a bitch.  I had to trust it would all work out like the Universe wants it to. When I made the decision to adjust my thinking, I knew “I Got This. It will be ok.”
• Next was the run. A couple of days before my birthday, I was still conflicted in my mind about what to do.  I knew that I could get 50 miles or even 50k in; I also knew I would probably injure myself. I decided that it was ok to not make the 50 miles and what I was really looking for was the long run to clear my head. I needed to make that happen and pull myself out of whatever bad mood I was in. I decided that I would just go out and run until I wanted to stop. Run until my head felt clear and I had some answers for the swirling in my head.  I thought “I’ve Got This. I don’t have to do any specific thing. Just go with what feels right in the moment.”
• During this long run, I did a lot of thinking. It was 11 miles and a few hours so I had time to focus on all kinds of things from running form to my chronically tight calf muscle to where I was in life at that moment.  I decided that missing having kids in the house was ok. Did I live vicariously through them? Probably. I think that it’s easy to think back on your own teenage years and wish you had made some different choices. You also know what is coming up for these kids because you have lived it and some of it was so good you wouldn’t mind living it again.  Having kids in the house makes you feel needed, wanted (most of the time), and like you have your own little herd of chaos. I decided I wasn’t going to feel bad for missing those times and there was nothing wrong with me if I did. I decided that I am trying to focus on too many tasks at once and, like I tell my girls all the time, just focus on the next thing. There is no timeline for house projects or careers or anything at all. The truth is that God and the Universe have it all planned out already, and I just need to do my thing and it will all unfold in front of me as it should. Because you know what? 50 isn’t old. I can’t run as fast. I’m not as flexible. I am perfectly happy with being in bed at 8:30 and these reader glasses and that is all ok. Being 50 these days is much different than being 50 when I was kid. I am going to continue to live in running clothes, devising a plan to make that squirrel love me, and to get more dogs. I made that mindset change happen. I’ve Got This.

And that guy that was on trial? He was convicted of a slightly lesser charge than we hoped for, but he was still found guilty. The Universe works things out.

Peace from the Edge,

Julia